Tag: living life with lucia

It really wouldn’t kill you to be nice…

Before I go into what I suppose is a little rant, I just want to say, I hope everyone is doing okay and I hope that this does make a few people think and make others laugh…which is completely allowed at this time! In fact, its needed!

This is all very difficult on lots of people and it has been so lovely to see everyone coming together to help one another and showing a lot of appreciation to our key workers. To be honest, I give a genuine applause to anyone who hasn’t killed their partner, sibling or any other family member, from being stuck inside the house. Seriously. Humans were never meant to live on top of one another in this way. But, we do what we need to do right now to survive.

However, I was reminded yesterday that there are still people in this world who really do not care about anyone but themselves and it was in the stupedist scenario ever! Now, I completely invite you to laugh at this situation, because, looking back I can now laugh at it. At the time, I genuinely cried and wanted to punch somebody.

Let me set the scene: I had had a bit of a bad morning, having had an argument with my family and decided to go for my daily walk with my dog. Its sunny, clear skies and I have just had a chat with my boyfriend who has cheered me up completely. Hes a key worker, so we couldn’t chat long, before he was off his break and had to get back. I’m walking down this road, when I get to a bit of off road track bust is a cut through. Please bare in mind that this is a wide road. Two people are walking towards me with their dog. Now, my dog is fine with other dogs as long as they aren’t bigger than him. Clearly, with the current situation, we dont want to be going anywhere near them. So, I’m holding my dog back. The owner puts his dog back on the lead (which looked like an extremely long piece of rope) and let is hang very loose, hardly holding his dog back. My dog is watching him when this dog starts to bark and go for mine. I pull mine back (Archie) and he listens. The other dog goes again and as my dog pulls forward too, I lose my footing and fall over my foot, twist my ankle, whilst dragging my knee across the ground and falling flat on my face.

Did they ask if I was okay? Did they apologise for not keeping their dog back and letting it get so close to mine?

No.

They literally looked at me and walked away! My dog immediately stopped the second I fell over and came by my side. He licked my cheek as I started to cry and sat on the ground holding myself up and completely letting myself just have a moment.

You have no idea what other people are going through. None at all. I was angry with them, yes, but later I was able to laugh at how funny I probably looked in a sitcom kind of way. There are genuinely some people who will never understand how to just be kind to someone. I called my friend, who calmed me down, reminded me to breathe and checked I was okay. A small gesture that was gratefully received.

Later that day I had an influx of people who I am lucky to have in my life, tell me that I am loved and that they were there for me. It completely turned my day around. By the end of the day, I didn’t even really remember what had happened that morning. Come two weeks time, it would even cross my mind once and those people would of been gone from my life. It’s easy sometimes to let people’s actions take over in your head and have an impact and worse of all it can happen with people that you dont even know and who won’t have even given you a second thought. Don’t waste time of people like that. It’s so easy to do and I am the worst for it. I hold onto things and struggle to let go and have done for a long time. I need to take a leaf out of my own book. Don’t let those that aren’t important, affect you and put a downer on your day. Now, more than ever, you need to keep hold of the things that are important to you. That make you smile, laugh and even cry. There is always a balance needed. Negativity in order to see the positive things in life. But dont let it take over and have power over the rest of your day or what you want to do with it. Time is precious. Sometimes it really bloody hurts when you fall, but you just have to get back up again and keep going.

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My New Chapter Starts

Tomorrow, I start my new job and with that starts a whole new chapter in my life.

I have spent around the last 17 years of my life in education and I have loved every single second of it. From primary school right through to going to University, I have loved soaking up every drop if information that anyone can give me. Yes, I had my good and bad days as everyone does, but all in all, I really loved education.

This past year since leaving University, has definitely had its ups and downs. I knew that moving back home would be difficult, but I hadn’t quite comprehended just how much of an effect it would have on me. I was scared to move back home and I was scared to figure out what to do next.

Coming back to where I grew up, didn’t really feel like coming home at first. It was like the first day of school all over again, where you know no one and no one knows you. I had to start again with making friends and I think to some extent, I felt homesick from Lincoln where I went to University.

I was desperate to move back. I still am desperate to move back, but have now come to terms that it just isn’t my time yet to go back there. I hope to some day, but have finally reached an area of acceptance where I feel okay – even pretty good with where I am now.

When I left my old job, it was really difficult. I have made some lifelong friends there who have been there for me through one of the toughest years of my life since leaving Uni. They were there to make me laugh, listen to me rant and just give me massive hugs when I needed them. They became a safety blanket, as did the job, and I started to become complacent to leave.

I tried every job opportunity that would get me started in the career I have chosen, along with getting me back in Lincoln. Unfortunately, the latter hasnt happened, but I am incredibly grateful that someone has decided to take a chance in me and give me an opportunity that will hopefully open so many doors down the path I want to take.

I had so many people ask me if I was excited and it’s been hard to figure out if I am or not. To be honest, after so many months of rejection after rejection from companies, the fact that I actually have a full-time job, has definitely not sunk in! I felt guilty for not feeling as excited, but I think my mind just hasn’t quite come to terms with it yet and won’t do until I step into the building and actually begin working.

I had the absolute pleasure of having a week’s work experience at a company called ‘Shooting Star’ and absolutely loved every single second of it. Its shown me where I want to go and how my new job will help me get there!

It’s crazy to think that tomorrow I am actually stepping into the adult world of work.

It’s all happened so quickly that I’m still taking my time to process it all. I felt a little buzz of creativity to write a bit about what is going through my head as I edge closer to that door into my new chapter. Who knows what will happen. Who knows where this will take me. But, one thing I am definitely sure of is this – I have earnt this! It’s been a rollercoaster ride to get to this point, but I’m ready for the next ride to start. I’m done with the one I have been on for the last year. I need something new. I need to take that leap even though I am so nervous for tomorrow to begin! The unknown is always scary, so you are not alone if you feel that way!

So, there you go sweet void. Please don’t let me do anything too stupid tomorrow(!) I would really really appreciate that!

For anyone else starting something new – whatever it may be, I wish you all the luck, strength and happiness with it!

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I’m tired.

It seems to be a common phrase I am using at the moment. I’m physically tired. Emotionally tired. Mentally tired. My body is craving more sleep every single day. My mind wants to just shut off and go quiet. My emotions feel constantly all over the place.

This post has no particular purpose other than for my own need to just spill and get things off my chest. And if by some chance it helps someone else feel less alone and see that someone feels similar to them, then great! In other words, I just want to have a little rant.

I’m working a lot at the moment, which is one reason why I am so tired. However, if I didn’t have a million and one things to do in the day time, my evening shifts could be my one and only focus and I would probably feel a lot calmer and as though I was a little more in control of my life.

Right now… I don’t feel in control. I have felt very lost over the previous months since finishing university and have struggled to get through one day to the next. My routine and system had disappeared and I had no idea what I was doing. I now have a system (not so structural) but a system all the same and I feel a lot smoother in my movements with where I am going to next. I have an idea of what I want to do with my career and my life, more so than I did a few months ago. I haven’t got it all sorted but slowly I feel like I’m ticking all the right boxes. This should be making my day to day life a lot easier. But… I have so many things going on in my head at the moment, that I’m struggling to just stop, take a step back and watch what I have accomplished so far. Constant rejections of jobs I apply for, is something I am getting better at dealing with. However, it’s still draining. You see people achieve and conquer all over social media everyday that it’s easy to forget that they had to work hard to get there! They had to have low and awful days to get to the highs. But these are not often seen. Pride gets in the way. So I’m going to put it out there. I have been rejected for more jobs than I can count. I have got to interviews and failed. But my achievement is getting back up and starting again. Wiping those tears away and trying to move forward.

One thing I have had to admit to myself, is that I really need those I care about the most to be there for me right now. That’s a massive step with anything is admitting when you need help. Drop the pride. Put your hands up and just say, “I need help.” I’m definitely no expert in it. In fact, I am so stubborn that sometimes I make matters worse because I can’t just say that I need help. I hope that my friends and family know I am always here for them, even if I don’t message everyday (I know they do know this). I am just a phone call away and I will always be there for any of my friends. They are so important to me. But I am tired of fighting for friendships where I feel like it is one sided, or that I am fighting for my worth to be seen. My patience with time, my energy to be understanding has decreased massively. I have become quiet. I have become secluded. I see myself doing it and yet I can’t seem to stop right now. I know I need this time to focus on me. To focus on those most important to me. I have the most amazing rock in my life who is keeping me on my feet. Who is giving me enough strength to push forward. If you have someone like that for You, hold onto it. Let them support you and help you.

This is no sympathy post. I find writing to be therapeutic. I enjoy to just sit and chat with you. And if you are feeling the same then you can be comforted by the fact that others go through the same. It isn’t easy. I understand that. I am applying for things over and over. My time will come. This is just the path I am taking to get there. One that isn’t easy right now, but will become easier. I can already see the jigsaw pieces are falling into place. It’s easy to forget that sometimes, but I know deep down, through all of my tiredness, that ultimately everything will work out and everything is going to be okay. If you need to hear that too then just know now. Everything is going to be okay. I promise.

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#3 – May, Myself and I – Doughnut

I close my eyes and imagine myself back to one of my favourite places on earth. It is strange to think that I have thought and spoken about this memory very recently with my boyfriend. I told him that if money was never a worry for me in my life, then I would hop on a plane and go to Italy, Belluno more specifically, where I went a few years ago and would go to the same café, where on holiday we went nearly everyday for coffee and cake. I would choose a gorgeous, freshly baked ‘ciambella’ or as you know it more commonly as… a doughnut. I have loved doughnuts for as long as I can remember. Iced ones. Jam ones. Custard ones. This one had a fresh custard cream in the centre… light, fluffy and just so delicious.

Apart from being so yummy, I always remember this place for its beauty and historical serenity. My family and I decided to go to Belluno on holiday for a week, before driving down to Lake Garda for another. The village was small, very few tourists and allowed me and my family to put our Italian culture and language to good use. My family are from the more southern region of Italy and it was amazing to see how certain foods were cooked differently to how they were in the south. The place didn’t feel foreign to me. In the first couple of days, we completely slotted in and found our way around. It was so easy to feel comfortable and happy in this place. The whole trip was amazing. I always love going back to Italy, seeing new places, learning more of the history, eating the incredible food and speaking the beautiful language.

Now, whenever I eat a doughnut, I am always reminded of sitting outside that coffee, early in the morning, surrounded by all the locals and starting my day with the rest of them. It’s amazing to think how much one thing can create a memory in your mind! Just like that you are transported right back to that moment when you first created it. The smells. What you were wearing. The taste of the food. The person you were with. It’s also a great excuse to have another doughnut, when the experience is not only tasty but transports you to a great happy place!

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#1 – May, Myself and I – Running

Following the video by the wonderful Carrie Hope Fletcher, I have decided to attempt to do as many of the starter words as I can do during the month of May, for the project of “May, Myself and I”. I’m already a day late to writing one, but thought the first word was an interesting topic to start with. I have no idea how many of these I will do, but there is a goal and I am going to try my best to fulfil it.

The word running always makes me think of running out of time. Or more specifically, running late. Before I left home to go to University, I lived in a house where time was everything. There was only to be a certain amount of time spent in the shower, or we had to be ready for a specific time to leave to go somewhere. This was all due to having a parent who liked and still likes to be organised and on time. This then passed onto me, who became the person who was always early to events or a party, who felt stressed at running even a second late. I’m still like this now but hopefully a much calmer version. I won’t be late to a cinema showing or for a meeting, but if I’m meeting a friend who is more than likely going to be late, then I’m not going to break my neck trying to get to the place for the specific time we had originally discussed. It’s hard to change that side of yourself, especially when you have been brought up in an environment that is very time regimented. Time naturally runs along, but it’s very easy to feel like time is constantly teasing you, dangling a pair of keys that would open the door to relaxation and allow you to live stress free. Time runs out but it is also constantly moving. Evolving. Changing. I hate running late, but what I have to remember is that time does run out, so sometimes I need to step back, get a little perspective and see what I need to run after and what I can do at a nice, slow pace. Sometimes, just stop running and watch the world go by.

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You had a bad day…

And just like that, you have a dark cloud hanging over your head. You wake up, a whole new day, and you can feel it sitting on your shoulders, waiting for you to make your next move. Sometimes it can come out of nowhere. It can sit there and make itself comfortable for seconds, minutes, hours and sometimes, your head is such a cosy place to snuggle up in, it ends up staying there and niggling away for months and years on end. I feel like we should give it a name; especially when, having a bad day or a bad moment seems like a constant, you begin to feel a normality forming behind it. Normalities have names. I’m going to call mine… Jim. Silly name for a silly moment that will eventually move on. It may have a passing stop again, where it lingers around for a few days, grabs a coffee and does a little shopping, but eventually Jim will move on again. He’s a local visitor for me. More often a fleeting visit over a long stay, but all in all, he’s not foreign to me. On days when he visits, other things get postponed. Maybe other friends don’t get seen or jobs fail to get done, maybe certain emotions fail to be felt or tiredness takes over. Either way, when Jim comes to visit, it is never a good one. His short stays are the best ones. He goes as quickly as he shows up and its easier to carry on with your day. One thing is for definite though, Jim will always be around. Unfortunately, he is a part of my life and every single one of us has a Jim.

Dealing with a bad day or a bad moment can be difficult. It can take up energy that you really feel you need and make you feel rubbish emotions over the smallest of things. For me, Jim stops me from writing, hence the lack of posts. He stops me feeling motivated and thus productive. From each moment that he lingers on, my own motivation, power and stability, gets stretched out into tiny livewires, waiting to be knitted back together bit by bit. I love music, reading and anything creative, but I find it often lacks on those visiting days.

There are ways of coping with Jim. Like a chore that needs to get done, there are always ways of making it ease up. For me, talking to someone and telling them about Jim is the best thing for me. Having that rant, maybe even a cry, a big cuddle from a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend or family. The right song can suddenly lift Jim away from his short visit. Moving your concentration to something else is a good device in helping you to feel a little lighter. Sometimes though, on those long visits, you just have to accept that he isn’t going anywhere. Tell someone. Make people aware of his presence and then let it happen. Fighting his stay only prolongs the visit. Allows him to build a home rather than just staying in a B&B.

Bad days are just life’s way of getting you to sit back and look at what is making you unhappy. Telling you to stop so you can make a change. A relationship? Financial? Security? Sometimes there isn’t even an answer. But on those days when Jim comes to visit, just know, its never forever.

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