Tag: routine

My New Chapter Starts

Tomorrow, I start my new job and with that starts a whole new chapter in my life.

I have spent around the last 17 years of my life in education and I have loved every single second of it. From primary school right through to going to University, I have loved soaking up every drop if information that anyone can give me. Yes, I had my good and bad days as everyone does, but all in all, I really loved education.

This past year since leaving University, has definitely had its ups and downs. I knew that moving back home would be difficult, but I hadn’t quite comprehended just how much of an effect it would have on me. I was scared to move back home and I was scared to figure out what to do next.

Coming back to where I grew up, didn’t really feel like coming home at first. It was like the first day of school all over again, where you know no one and no one knows you. I had to start again with making friends and I think to some extent, I felt homesick from Lincoln where I went to University.

I was desperate to move back. I still am desperate to move back, but have now come to terms that it just isn’t my time yet to go back there. I hope to some day, but have finally reached an area of acceptance where I feel okay – even pretty good with where I am now.

When I left my old job, it was really difficult. I have made some lifelong friends there who have been there for me through one of the toughest years of my life since leaving Uni. They were there to make me laugh, listen to me rant and just give me massive hugs when I needed them. They became a safety blanket, as did the job, and I started to become complacent to leave.

I tried every job opportunity that would get me started in the career I have chosen, along with getting me back in Lincoln. Unfortunately, the latter hasnt happened, but I am incredibly grateful that someone has decided to take a chance in me and give me an opportunity that will hopefully open so many doors down the path I want to take.

I had so many people ask me if I was excited and it’s been hard to figure out if I am or not. To be honest, after so many months of rejection after rejection from companies, the fact that I actually have a full-time job, has definitely not sunk in! I felt guilty for not feeling as excited, but I think my mind just hasn’t quite come to terms with it yet and won’t do until I step into the building and actually begin working.

I had the absolute pleasure of having a week’s work experience at a company called ‘Shooting Star’ and absolutely loved every single second of it. Its shown me where I want to go and how my new job will help me get there!

It’s crazy to think that tomorrow I am actually stepping into the adult world of work.

It’s all happened so quickly that I’m still taking my time to process it all. I felt a little buzz of creativity to write a bit about what is going through my head as I edge closer to that door into my new chapter. Who knows what will happen. Who knows where this will take me. But, one thing I am definitely sure of is this – I have earnt this! It’s been a rollercoaster ride to get to this point, but I’m ready for the next ride to start. I’m done with the one I have been on for the last year. I need something new. I need to take that leap even though I am so nervous for tomorrow to begin! The unknown is always scary, so you are not alone if you feel that way!

So, there you go sweet void. Please don’t let me do anything too stupid tomorrow(!) I would really really appreciate that!

For anyone else starting something new – whatever it may be, I wish you all the luck, strength and happiness with it!

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I’m tired.

It seems to be a common phrase I am using at the moment. I’m physically tired. Emotionally tired. Mentally tired. My body is craving more sleep every single day. My mind wants to just shut off and go quiet. My emotions feel constantly all over the place.

This post has no particular purpose other than for my own need to just spill and get things off my chest. And if by some chance it helps someone else feel less alone and see that someone feels similar to them, then great! In other words, I just want to have a little rant.

I’m working a lot at the moment, which is one reason why I am so tired. However, if I didn’t have a million and one things to do in the day time, my evening shifts could be my one and only focus and I would probably feel a lot calmer and as though I was a little more in control of my life.

Right now… I don’t feel in control. I have felt very lost over the previous months since finishing university and have struggled to get through one day to the next. My routine and system had disappeared and I had no idea what I was doing. I now have a system (not so structural) but a system all the same and I feel a lot smoother in my movements with where I am going to next. I have an idea of what I want to do with my career and my life, more so than I did a few months ago. I haven’t got it all sorted but slowly I feel like I’m ticking all the right boxes. This should be making my day to day life a lot easier. But… I have so many things going on in my head at the moment, that I’m struggling to just stop, take a step back and watch what I have accomplished so far. Constant rejections of jobs I apply for, is something I am getting better at dealing with. However, it’s still draining. You see people achieve and conquer all over social media everyday that it’s easy to forget that they had to work hard to get there! They had to have low and awful days to get to the highs. But these are not often seen. Pride gets in the way. So I’m going to put it out there. I have been rejected for more jobs than I can count. I have got to interviews and failed. But my achievement is getting back up and starting again. Wiping those tears away and trying to move forward.

One thing I have had to admit to myself, is that I really need those I care about the most to be there for me right now. That’s a massive step with anything is admitting when you need help. Drop the pride. Put your hands up and just say, “I need help.” I’m definitely no expert in it. In fact, I am so stubborn that sometimes I make matters worse because I can’t just say that I need help. I hope that my friends and family know I am always here for them, even if I don’t message everyday (I know they do know this). I am just a phone call away and I will always be there for any of my friends. They are so important to me. But I am tired of fighting for friendships where I feel like it is one sided, or that I am fighting for my worth to be seen. My patience with time, my energy to be understanding has decreased massively. I have become quiet. I have become secluded. I see myself doing it and yet I can’t seem to stop right now. I know I need this time to focus on me. To focus on those most important to me. I have the most amazing rock in my life who is keeping me on my feet. Who is giving me enough strength to push forward. If you have someone like that for You, hold onto it. Let them support you and help you.

This is no sympathy post. I find writing to be therapeutic. I enjoy to just sit and chat with you. And if you are feeling the same then you can be comforted by the fact that others go through the same. It isn’t easy. I understand that. I am applying for things over and over. My time will come. This is just the path I am taking to get there. One that isn’t easy right now, but will become easier. I can already see the jigsaw pieces are falling into place. It’s easy to forget that sometimes, but I know deep down, through all of my tiredness, that ultimately everything will work out and everything is going to be okay. If you need to hear that too then just know now. Everything is going to be okay. I promise.

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