Tag: teenager

My New Chapter Starts

Tomorrow, I start my new job and with that starts a whole new chapter in my life.

I have spent around the last 17 years of my life in education and I have loved every single second of it. From primary school right through to going to University, I have loved soaking up every drop if information that anyone can give me. Yes, I had my good and bad days as everyone does, but all in all, I really loved education.

This past year since leaving University, has definitely had its ups and downs. I knew that moving back home would be difficult, but I hadn’t quite comprehended just how much of an effect it would have on me. I was scared to move back home and I was scared to figure out what to do next.

Coming back to where I grew up, didn’t really feel like coming home at first. It was like the first day of school all over again, where you know no one and no one knows you. I had to start again with making friends and I think to some extent, I felt homesick from Lincoln where I went to University.

I was desperate to move back. I still am desperate to move back, but have now come to terms that it just isn’t my time yet to go back there. I hope to some day, but have finally reached an area of acceptance where I feel okay – even pretty good with where I am now.

When I left my old job, it was really difficult. I have made some lifelong friends there who have been there for me through one of the toughest years of my life since leaving Uni. They were there to make me laugh, listen to me rant and just give me massive hugs when I needed them. They became a safety blanket, as did the job, and I started to become complacent to leave.

I tried every job opportunity that would get me started in the career I have chosen, along with getting me back in Lincoln. Unfortunately, the latter hasnt happened, but I am incredibly grateful that someone has decided to take a chance in me and give me an opportunity that will hopefully open so many doors down the path I want to take.

I had so many people ask me if I was excited and it’s been hard to figure out if I am or not. To be honest, after so many months of rejection after rejection from companies, the fact that I actually have a full-time job, has definitely not sunk in! I felt guilty for not feeling as excited, but I think my mind just hasn’t quite come to terms with it yet and won’t do until I step into the building and actually begin working.

I had the absolute pleasure of having a week’s work experience at a company called ‘Shooting Star’ and absolutely loved every single second of it. Its shown me where I want to go and how my new job will help me get there!

It’s crazy to think that tomorrow I am actually stepping into the adult world of work.

It’s all happened so quickly that I’m still taking my time to process it all. I felt a little buzz of creativity to write a bit about what is going through my head as I edge closer to that door into my new chapter. Who knows what will happen. Who knows where this will take me. But, one thing I am definitely sure of is this – I have earnt this! It’s been a rollercoaster ride to get to this point, but I’m ready for the next ride to start. I’m done with the one I have been on for the last year. I need something new. I need to take that leap even though I am so nervous for tomorrow to begin! The unknown is always scary, so you are not alone if you feel that way!

So, there you go sweet void. Please don’t let me do anything too stupid tomorrow(!) I would really really appreciate that!

For anyone else starting something new – whatever it may be, I wish you all the luck, strength and happiness with it!

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I’m tired.

It seems to be a common phrase I am using at the moment. I’m physically tired. Emotionally tired. Mentally tired. My body is craving more sleep every single day. My mind wants to just shut off and go quiet. My emotions feel constantly all over the place.

This post has no particular purpose other than for my own need to just spill and get things off my chest. And if by some chance it helps someone else feel less alone and see that someone feels similar to them, then great! In other words, I just want to have a little rant.

I’m working a lot at the moment, which is one reason why I am so tired. However, if I didn’t have a million and one things to do in the day time, my evening shifts could be my one and only focus and I would probably feel a lot calmer and as though I was a little more in control of my life.

Right now… I don’t feel in control. I have felt very lost over the previous months since finishing university and have struggled to get through one day to the next. My routine and system had disappeared and I had no idea what I was doing. I now have a system (not so structural) but a system all the same and I feel a lot smoother in my movements with where I am going to next. I have an idea of what I want to do with my career and my life, more so than I did a few months ago. I haven’t got it all sorted but slowly I feel like I’m ticking all the right boxes. This should be making my day to day life a lot easier. But… I have so many things going on in my head at the moment, that I’m struggling to just stop, take a step back and watch what I have accomplished so far. Constant rejections of jobs I apply for, is something I am getting better at dealing with. However, it’s still draining. You see people achieve and conquer all over social media everyday that it’s easy to forget that they had to work hard to get there! They had to have low and awful days to get to the highs. But these are not often seen. Pride gets in the way. So I’m going to put it out there. I have been rejected for more jobs than I can count. I have got to interviews and failed. But my achievement is getting back up and starting again. Wiping those tears away and trying to move forward.

One thing I have had to admit to myself, is that I really need those I care about the most to be there for me right now. That’s a massive step with anything is admitting when you need help. Drop the pride. Put your hands up and just say, “I need help.” I’m definitely no expert in it. In fact, I am so stubborn that sometimes I make matters worse because I can’t just say that I need help. I hope that my friends and family know I am always here for them, even if I don’t message everyday (I know they do know this). I am just a phone call away and I will always be there for any of my friends. They are so important to me. But I am tired of fighting for friendships where I feel like it is one sided, or that I am fighting for my worth to be seen. My patience with time, my energy to be understanding has decreased massively. I have become quiet. I have become secluded. I see myself doing it and yet I can’t seem to stop right now. I know I need this time to focus on me. To focus on those most important to me. I have the most amazing rock in my life who is keeping me on my feet. Who is giving me enough strength to push forward. If you have someone like that for You, hold onto it. Let them support you and help you.

This is no sympathy post. I find writing to be therapeutic. I enjoy to just sit and chat with you. And if you are feeling the same then you can be comforted by the fact that others go through the same. It isn’t easy. I understand that. I am applying for things over and over. My time will come. This is just the path I am taking to get there. One that isn’t easy right now, but will become easier. I can already see the jigsaw pieces are falling into place. It’s easy to forget that sometimes, but I know deep down, through all of my tiredness, that ultimately everything will work out and everything is going to be okay. If you need to hear that too then just know now. Everything is going to be okay. I promise.

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#2 – May, Myself and I – Stars

Nothing will ever beat a clear night, warm breeze, walking with someone you love or on your own and being able to look up at the sky and seeing a beautiful abundance of stars looking down at you. During my time at University, I found myself having nights where I was unable to sleep. My brain just wouldn’t quieten down and the four walls of my room seemed to close in on me on certain nights when stress, tiredness and life in general seemed to completely take over. On those nights, I would put on my hoodie, comfy bottoms and walking shoes and go for a walk. As long as it wasn’t raining, I wasn’t too fussed as to when I was going. I went to Lincoln University and I never fail to be taken back by the gorgeous and beautiful cathedral. At night, it is completely lit up and can be used as a guiding light to find your way back to the main high street. I knew Lincoln pretty well but often never strayed too far from the cathedral. I always ended up there. Sometimes I would walk in my own silence, sometimes with the guy I was with at the time and sometimes I would walk with music in my ears, often London Grammar. Each time, I found myself back at the Cathedral. I would listen to people laughing or chatting away as they moved to go out for a night out. I would hear my feet and my breath as I moved up the steep which never seemed to get easier. Then I would reach the Cathedral and then… stop. I would look up at it and feel tiny. I would look up and feel safe. I would look up and feel inspired. And, on those nights that I went up, more often than not I would look up past the Cathedral and see beautiful shining stars. Stars to me are not just a fixed luminous point in the night sky which is a large, remote incandescent body like the sun (the oxford definition).

Stars to me feel like answers that are written in the sky, maybe even guardian angels of loved ones or spirits we do not know. You have to quieten your mind and listen. Pause in whatever is happening in your own life and just be. This is not to say that I suddenly hear a voice in my head or even out loud, telling me what I need to do or that everything will be okay. I do, however, always feel a sense of calm. Everything that had been buzzing in my head seems to relax and float back to sleep. The thoughts that had been eating away at me, completely dissolved. I would feel calm. And relaxed. Something about the night always made me feel that way. The walk, the fresh air, the quietness and then seeing the Cathedral and stars, always made me feel a million times better. On nights that I would walk with the guy I was with (I will keep him unnamed for his own privacy, although I am lucky enough to say he is still one of my best friends), I found that we would walk together and talk about the things that were on our mind. To us, it felt like we were out of the way from everyone and we could just be ourselves. Anything we aired out would just float away into the open sky. We had a particular spot where we would just sit and see the whole of Lincoln completely lit up. It was beautiful and we often sat in quiet appreciation of the place. We would also look at the stars. I sometimes found myself saying a little prayer, that all my worries would be fixed and sometimes I found that peacefulness again. Almost a bit of perspective. That, whilst I sat there and worried about exams or essays, family members or my relationship, there were these little cluster of lights up in the air that were reminding me that I had no idea what was out there for me. I was so tiny on that bench, just one person in Lincoln… one person in the UK… in the world… out of billions of people. And above me, up in the sky, were a million more things that I had no idea about. The key thing is, it never scared me. Instead, I would find a peaceful serenity, a sanctuary in those twinkling stars, that everything would be okay and that everything would find its right place. I didn’t need to worry. I didn’t have to try and fix it, and although I would worry again, and try and fix things again, in those few moments… I could just be.

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And so it begins!

Thanks for joining me! New blog will be uploaded soon! If you have anything you want me to talk about, then comment below this post and I will make note of it!

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